The Desire to be Special
My mom told me that when people walk into a room everyone looks at the girls. The boys look at the girls to admire their beauty and the girls look at each other to see how they compare.
Ouch.
I wish that I could deny the truth to that statement. When did we become so competitive?
But maybe it isn’t a competitive spirit that causes this. I think it’s a lot deeper than that. Have you ever been in a situation where you were feeling confident in your abilities and, in less than two seconds, that confidence fades because another person showcases their talents? Maybe you were excited about your test score until you saw your peer’s perfect 100%. Or you were telling your parents about finally moving up to the higher-level gymnastics team and your sister comes in and congratulates you. You say, “Thanks.” but on the inside, you feel a bit upset because you know that she moved up before you. Maybe you tried out for a musical only to be given a smaller part than your friend.
You mentally start tearing these people apart. “Her high note is too weak,” you think as you watch your friend practice her solo. You begin to notice how many mistakes your classmate makes when he solves the equation on the whiteboard. You pick apart your sister’s routine and feel silently triumphant that your round-off is better. Why do we do this? Is it because we are jealous, competitive, or really are better than they are? In my opinion, we do this because we want to be special. We feel the need to be important, loved, admired and, when those around us are talented, we feel that our value is threatened.
There once was a little girl that I played with who longed to be special. Whenever we would play she always made her little toy the most magical, the only one that could save the kingdom, the smallest or the tallest, the smartest, the most beautiful, and the most talented. She desired to be special, unique, and important. She believed that being “the most” of anything would give her the value that she craved. Many years later, she still wants that. Her heart is not satisfied unless she is better at something than those around her. I want to be mad at her because it isn’t fun to be in a competition with her all the time, but then I recognize that I have those same desires in my heart. I want to beautiful, smart, accomplished, and talented too. Who wouldn’t want to be those things? Success, popularity, intelligence, and talents all promise happiness but none of them ever provide true joy. There will always be someone better than you and, when you meet them, you will no longer be satisfied with what you have and who you are. Trying to find your value in this way is a hopeless task. Luckily, it’s not the only way.
God determines your value differently than people do. Take Ephesians 2 verses 8 and 9, for example, “For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this not from yourselves; it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast.” When God chose to send Jesus to die for our sins did he say “Go and sacrifice yourself only for those who are worthy”? That is a big NO. He forgave us as a gift. No strings attached. Our value is treated in the same way, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance as our way of life.” Ephesians 2:10. Google defines workmanship as “the degree of skill with which a product is made or a job done”. Other words for workmanship include artistry, masterpiece, and skillfulness. He masterfully handmade each of us, uniquely, and with a purpose in mind. This means that we were made valuable. All of the “specialness” that we long for is already built inside of us, however, we don’t recognize it because we are concerned with being precious in the sight of other people.
While there will be people who are better at something than you are, you should know that God put just as much effort and artistry in them as he did in you. Their success does not mean that you are a failure. Just because they are talented doesn’t mean that you are not. They are valuable, but their value does not lessen your own. Just like Jesus forgave us as a gift he created our value as a gift. Nothing that you do will make you lose your value or increase your value, in his eyes. The plan that he has for you are just as important as the ones he has for your friend, your sister, and your classmate. Sure, you might not be a widely celebrated author, but whatever God has planned for you will be just as important to the world and will utilize your unique skills and personality. Maybe it will be your job to teach a group of teens algebra or maybe you will travel to the other side of the world to love on people in the name of Jesus. Those callings are equally important. If it is what God has called you to, it is important. The skills that Jesus placed in you are beautiful and should be used and grown. The difference now is that you are using your unique talents and abilities to bring glory to God instead of to yourself. You do not need to compare yourself to others to be special. There is no need to prove yourself because your worth is a gift that you have the day you were born.
Despite me telling you all of this, you may not believe me. You think that it sounds like a good idea and maybe you think it’s true, but you still don’t feel important. It’s okay if you feel that way. The process of seeing your value as a gift, instead of something that needs to be earned, takes time. Here are some ideas to help you through the process:
1. When you feel envious, write down 3 admirable qualities about the person you envy. Don’t compare them to yourself or others by writing “They are better at _____ than I am”. Just write their good qualities without comparison. Next, write 3 aspects of yourself that are awesome. Once again, don’t compare. Can you really decide whether the ocean or the mountains are more beautiful? Both are breathtaking but vastly different, so any comparison would not do either of them justice. People are the same way.
2. Deliberately find something beautiful or noteworthy about the people around you. This practice helps you see the beauty in everyone, despite how you feel about them. Even people you don’t like were given the same amount of value that you have. I’m sure that you can find a mark of God’s artistry on them.
3. Keep a couple of “go to” verses in the notes section of your phone or in a notebook. It can be helpful to have a sticky note with a verse about your value on your mirror too. My favorite verses are:
• 1 Samuel 16:7, “... The Lord does not look at the things that people do. People look at the outward appearance while the Lord looks at the heart.”
• Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
• Isaiah 43:1, “…I have called you by name; you are mine.”
Isaiah 55:11 states, “It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” The Bible is God’s word and, in this verse, it is compared to a plant which produces fruit and accomplishes what it was sent to do. That is why memorizing scripture and having it around you is so powerful. He sent his word to remind you that your worth does not come from people but from himself.